Family Dynamics

To say that life since Mom's Cancer diagnosis in November of '07 has been difficult would be putting it mildly. The biggest strain for me has been watching her bravely go through her chemo sessions while losing her job and moving and both see her desperately trying to navigate the family dynamics (while I do the same). She and my step dad moved back to her childhood home, a three family apartment, which meant her sister moved to the third floor so they could have the first.

I'd like to preface this information by saying that I feel less and less a part of this family the more I am engulfed by them, and I've said this to them so they shouldn't be surprised if they find me saying it here. I am my father's and paternal grandmother's girl; I abhor clutter, believe in throwing something out after 3 months of non use - the stores will always have it if I need it later - and I clean up after myself as part of my regular routine. I'm not a neat freak, per se, but if it's garbage, it goes, and important things have a place of honor in my home. They do not collect dust, rust or get moldy because I "have" to have them but clearly don't have the space or pride in them that I should.

As a matriarchal family, my mother, aunt and my sister are more a like than I could ever be, and I simply do not fit in. So family dynamics are very hard for me, as I am Mom's primary care giver, missing work - thank you FMLA! - and extending myself to be with her - which I gladly do - but there's this navigating the family currents and undercurrents which is emotionally draining for me. Mom doesn't want to live here, but finances and her health dictated she be closer to those who can best assist her. My aunt is single, works hard, and is always helping my sister with her two kids, a luxury many mothers would kill for. Mom and her sister have their own lingering sibling issues which are spilling over into daily life since familiarity breeds contempt.

I came over to start my day with Mom today and already my aunt was telling me that she and Mom had a problem this morning over a utility bill. It's been an issue with the electric company and a three family home before but now it's within the family because there is a question of usage and charges and it's taken on another dimension. I tried to answer my aunt's concerns as best as I could but finally gave in and told her the electric company is the best one to answer her questions. Turns out the company never got her last payments and they never cleared the bank. So, had my aunt *read* her bill instead of over reacting - her words not mine - she would have seen this and not created this problem with my Mom. My aunt did apologize but I think my Mom was either hurt or upset still and just said "ok" and that was it. My aunt's reaction was the same when she received her paper bill for her cell phone, a bill I had already explained to her and had her straighten out with the company when we looked at her online bill. She came in upset that the bill still read the high amount we already addressed. I explained to her that this was the paper form of the online form and not "another bill" as she exclaimed. *sigh*

My husband and I live our lives with as little drama as possible, and we think things out before we do them. I mean aside from losing his two parents, finding and meeting and then losing his birth mother, owning two homes at once then finally selling the first, me changing jobs and commuting two hours when I only did 20 minutes before. Oh, and Mom living with cancer, of course. Again, not perfect, but we have very few issues like this with our relatives and it makes it harder for me to deal with them when they happen. It just seems so unnecessary.

Mom has a follow up appointment today. We both think she'll need more chemo. This will only add to the mix.