Been up since 2am; simply can't sleep. Woke up thirsty, drank some seltzer, and the bubbles felt good and refreshing. Fed the cat and used the bathroom. Been online for about an hour and played some games on my Facebook page. Thinking about my parents, and how they are 59 and 65 and in such terrible health, and how depressing this is for them and me and just what horribly young ages to be living and struggling with so many issues. Mom has the Cancer and Dad has heart issues, is diabetic, and now has an issue with his foot that is causing him immense pain.
For me, it's difficult to see them in the state they're in. Both of my parents are so ill at the same time and I just wish they could be restored to perfect health.
8.09.2008
8.06.2008
Family Dynamics
To say that life since Mom's Cancer diagnosis in November of '07 has been difficult would be putting it mildly. The biggest strain for me has been watching her bravely go through her chemo sessions while losing her job and moving and both see her desperately trying to navigate the family dynamics (while I do the same). She and my step dad moved back to her childhood home, a three family apartment, which meant her sister moved to the third floor so they could have the first.
I'd like to preface this information by saying that I feel less and less a part of this family the more I am engulfed by them, and I've said this to them so they shouldn't be surprised if they find me saying it here. I am my father's and paternal grandmother's girl; I abhor clutter, believe in throwing something out after 3 months of non use - the stores will always have it if I need it later - and I clean up after myself as part of my regular routine. I'm not a neat freak, per se, but if it's garbage, it goes, and important things have a place of honor in my home. They do not collect dust, rust or get moldy because I "have" to have them but clearly don't have the space or pride in them that I should.
As a matriarchal family, my mother, aunt and my sister are more a like than I could ever be, and I simply do not fit in. So family dynamics are very hard for me, as I am Mom's primary care giver, missing work - thank you FMLA! - and extending myself to be with her - which I gladly do - but there's this navigating the family currents and undercurrents which is emotionally draining for me. Mom doesn't want to live here, but finances and her health dictated she be closer to those who can best assist her. My aunt is single, works hard, and is always helping my sister with her two kids, a luxury many mothers would kill for. Mom and her sister have their own lingering sibling issues which are spilling over into daily life since familiarity breeds contempt.
I came over to start my day with Mom today and already my aunt was telling me that she and Mom had a problem this morning over a utility bill. It's been an issue with the electric company and a three family home before but now it's within the family because there is a question of usage and charges and it's taken on another dimension. I tried to answer my aunt's concerns as best as I could but finally gave in and told her the electric company is the best one to answer her questions. Turns out the company never got her last payments and they never cleared the bank. So, had my aunt *read* her bill instead of over reacting - her words not mine - she would have seen this and not created this problem with my Mom. My aunt did apologize but I think my Mom was either hurt or upset still and just said "ok" and that was it. My aunt's reaction was the same when she received her paper bill for her cell phone, a bill I had already explained to her and had her straighten out with the company when we looked at her online bill. She came in upset that the bill still read the high amount we already addressed. I explained to her that this was the paper form of the online form and not "another bill" as she exclaimed. *sigh*
My husband and I live our lives with as little drama as possible, and we think things out before we do them. I mean aside from losing his two parents, finding and meeting and then losing his birth mother, owning two homes at once then finally selling the first, me changing jobs and commuting two hours when I only did 20 minutes before. Oh, and Mom living with cancer, of course. Again, not perfect, but we have very few issues like this with our relatives and it makes it harder for me to deal with them when they happen. It just seems so unnecessary.
Mom has a follow up appointment today. We both think she'll need more chemo. This will only add to the mix.
I'd like to preface this information by saying that I feel less and less a part of this family the more I am engulfed by them, and I've said this to them so they shouldn't be surprised if they find me saying it here. I am my father's and paternal grandmother's girl; I abhor clutter, believe in throwing something out after 3 months of non use - the stores will always have it if I need it later - and I clean up after myself as part of my regular routine. I'm not a neat freak, per se, but if it's garbage, it goes, and important things have a place of honor in my home. They do not collect dust, rust or get moldy because I "have" to have them but clearly don't have the space or pride in them that I should.
As a matriarchal family, my mother, aunt and my sister are more a like than I could ever be, and I simply do not fit in. So family dynamics are very hard for me, as I am Mom's primary care giver, missing work - thank you FMLA! - and extending myself to be with her - which I gladly do - but there's this navigating the family currents and undercurrents which is emotionally draining for me. Mom doesn't want to live here, but finances and her health dictated she be closer to those who can best assist her. My aunt is single, works hard, and is always helping my sister with her two kids, a luxury many mothers would kill for. Mom and her sister have their own lingering sibling issues which are spilling over into daily life since familiarity breeds contempt.
I came over to start my day with Mom today and already my aunt was telling me that she and Mom had a problem this morning over a utility bill. It's been an issue with the electric company and a three family home before but now it's within the family because there is a question of usage and charges and it's taken on another dimension. I tried to answer my aunt's concerns as best as I could but finally gave in and told her the electric company is the best one to answer her questions. Turns out the company never got her last payments and they never cleared the bank. So, had my aunt *read* her bill instead of over reacting - her words not mine - she would have seen this and not created this problem with my Mom. My aunt did apologize but I think my Mom was either hurt or upset still and just said "ok" and that was it. My aunt's reaction was the same when she received her paper bill for her cell phone, a bill I had already explained to her and had her straighten out with the company when we looked at her online bill. She came in upset that the bill still read the high amount we already addressed. I explained to her that this was the paper form of the online form and not "another bill" as she exclaimed. *sigh*
My husband and I live our lives with as little drama as possible, and we think things out before we do them. I mean aside from losing his two parents, finding and meeting and then losing his birth mother, owning two homes at once then finally selling the first, me changing jobs and commuting two hours when I only did 20 minutes before. Oh, and Mom living with cancer, of course. Again, not perfect, but we have very few issues like this with our relatives and it makes it harder for me to deal with them when they happen. It just seems so unnecessary.
Mom has a follow up appointment today. We both think she'll need more chemo. This will only add to the mix.
8.05.2008
Got YouTube?
So I broke into the world of YouTube broadcasting three videos so far and I'm very excited! My public channel is http://www.youtube.com/bellylaughter and so far I have a video of my dad at the piano, my husband being silly and my cat, Tiger, helping himself to his treats right from the jar. As soon as I can figure out how to get the videos directly on the blog, I will. In the meantime, I hope you will click on the link above and check them out on YouTube.
8.04.2008
Glorious
Who knew a camera phone could take such a great photo? (LGNV2 - Verizon Wireless). This ornamental Chinese maple in our front yard is the crowning glory of our home, if not a bit too big for it's britches and in need of a pruning. It's the last one to shed it's leaves in the fall and the last one to fully shine with it's burgundy and olive green leaves in the Spring. This year blue jays and sparrows have taken a liking to it and the kids love to climb it. This photo was taken by me as I looked up through the branches into the sunlight streaming through it. To think that this is how the tree sees the sky every day. My favorite part is the one leaf in the top foreground as it stands out from the mass of leaves around it. I hope that in my life I am like that leaf, standing out among the crowd.
8.03.2008
The Darndest Things
"My nose sells the booger to my finger and my finger sells the booger to my mouth."
niece, Miss. E., age five, as she gives her explanation of "The Booger Store", her nickname for her nose, complete with hand gestures
***
Nephew: "Hey, Rump Shaker."
Auntie: "Who are you calling "Rump Shaker"?
N: "You!"
A: "I don't answer to Rump Shaker, I answer to Sherri or Auntie Sherri".
N: (reluctantly) "Ok, Sherri."
conversation with nephew, RT, age six
niece, Miss. E., age five, as she gives her explanation of "The Booger Store", her nickname for her nose, complete with hand gestures
***
Nephew: "Hey, Rump Shaker."
Auntie: "Who are you calling "Rump Shaker"?
N: "You!"
A: "I don't answer to Rump Shaker, I answer to Sherri or Auntie Sherri".
N: (reluctantly) "Ok, Sherri."
conversation with nephew, RT, age six
Mother and Child Reunion
I know they say let it be
But it just don't work out that way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again
No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine.
"Mother and Child Reunion"
Words and Music - Paul Simon
I am the youngest of two daughters from two marriages; marriages my mom defines as "too young" (my sister's dad) and "too quick" (my dad). I am married and child free, and as such, do have considerably less responsibility than my sister with two kids under six. This truth, and my dependable nature, have designated me mom's main caregiver, chemo buddy, cheer leader and confidant. Today provided us a unique moment to be reunited as mother and child; in the midst of it I bookmarked it, so that when all I have is memories, this one will sustain me.
Mom returned home from the hospital yesterday after surgery to remove her uterus and complete the job they weren't able to finish in December due to complications. Today I paid her a visit while my British Import was working spotlight at the local theater's finale performance of "The King and I". I found Mom lying wig free on her right side in her full size bed, the air cranked to 70 degrees with her snuggled under a green striped cotton sheet and green themed patchwork quilt. First I sat on the edge of the full size bed looking at her almost over my right shoulder but that became tiresome after awhile, so I opted to stretch out my pink toe polished feet and lay next to her sharing the details of a recent visit with my paternal grandmother, babysitting my niece and nephew the night before, and good news about my dad moving into his own apartment. Then I asked her about her return home and current pain level.
As she shared with me her frustrations at her limitations, and her need for help caring for my aging stepfather - he's a WWII wounded vet and a good 25 years older than Mom - I stroked her arm with it's touch of dry skin from the medications, while she rubbed her bald head as if doing so soothed her. My step dad wants so much to protect her and be more self sufficient, evident by his attempt to quietly stride to the handicap ramp with his walker and check out what he thought were hoodlums cutting through the yard. We caught him mid stroll, telling him we had taken care of the "situation", he relented and returned to his Mets game. "He thought I was asleep, " Mom smiled and sighed. When I described him as a warrior spirit in an aging body, Mom agreed with me and became choked up. She is in desperate need of assistance with him, and we agreed to find resources to help.
And there we were, talking for a couple of hours, nestled on the bed together, like we had so many other times when I was younger, but hadn't done for ages. This chat was similar to ones we had recently in the car on the way to chemo or the doctor's, or during chemo, those long drawn out days she hated and that never went the same way twice. But being close to each other, outside of a hospital, the cancer ward, and the car, in the personal setting of her room, in the cool comfort of the air conditioning and cotton blankets, the time was imprinted in my mind more than all the others.
I thought to myself, "Remember this, Sharon. She doesn't talk to your sister like this. She doesn't talk to her sister like this. She only talks this way with you", and it was in that moment I realized of all my memories of her illness and her living with cancer, this is what I want to remember most.
Our mother and child reunion.
But it just don't work out that way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again
No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine.
"Mother and Child Reunion"
Words and Music - Paul Simon
I am the youngest of two daughters from two marriages; marriages my mom defines as "too young" (my sister's dad) and "too quick" (my dad). I am married and child free, and as such, do have considerably less responsibility than my sister with two kids under six. This truth, and my dependable nature, have designated me mom's main caregiver, chemo buddy, cheer leader and confidant. Today provided us a unique moment to be reunited as mother and child; in the midst of it I bookmarked it, so that when all I have is memories, this one will sustain me.
Mom returned home from the hospital yesterday after surgery to remove her uterus and complete the job they weren't able to finish in December due to complications. Today I paid her a visit while my British Import was working spotlight at the local theater's finale performance of "The King and I". I found Mom lying wig free on her right side in her full size bed, the air cranked to 70 degrees with her snuggled under a green striped cotton sheet and green themed patchwork quilt. First I sat on the edge of the full size bed looking at her almost over my right shoulder but that became tiresome after awhile, so I opted to stretch out my pink toe polished feet and lay next to her sharing the details of a recent visit with my paternal grandmother, babysitting my niece and nephew the night before, and good news about my dad moving into his own apartment. Then I asked her about her return home and current pain level.
As she shared with me her frustrations at her limitations, and her need for help caring for my aging stepfather - he's a WWII wounded vet and a good 25 years older than Mom - I stroked her arm with it's touch of dry skin from the medications, while she rubbed her bald head as if doing so soothed her. My step dad wants so much to protect her and be more self sufficient, evident by his attempt to quietly stride to the handicap ramp with his walker and check out what he thought were hoodlums cutting through the yard. We caught him mid stroll, telling him we had taken care of the "situation", he relented and returned to his Mets game. "He thought I was asleep, " Mom smiled and sighed. When I described him as a warrior spirit in an aging body, Mom agreed with me and became choked up. She is in desperate need of assistance with him, and we agreed to find resources to help.
And there we were, talking for a couple of hours, nestled on the bed together, like we had so many other times when I was younger, but hadn't done for ages. This chat was similar to ones we had recently in the car on the way to chemo or the doctor's, or during chemo, those long drawn out days she hated and that never went the same way twice. But being close to each other, outside of a hospital, the cancer ward, and the car, in the personal setting of her room, in the cool comfort of the air conditioning and cotton blankets, the time was imprinted in my mind more than all the others.
I thought to myself, "Remember this, Sharon. She doesn't talk to your sister like this. She doesn't talk to her sister like this. She only talks this way with you", and it was in that moment I realized of all my memories of her illness and her living with cancer, this is what I want to remember most.
Our mother and child reunion.
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